elmo

today i saw some graffiti on a desk: a charming line drawing, in permanent marker, of elmo (from sesame street, of course) saying "elmo thinks balad stinks." i have a thing for mindless non sequitur...
i've received many comments on my last few posts, and i'd be remiss not to thank you all for reading. it means a lot to me to know that there are peope who care about what i'm going through, even if they are 6,000 miles away.
i write this in order to take you with me. i have a hard time verbalizing my experiences in the past tense. actually, i have trouble motivating myself to verbalize them. i'm more apt to stay silent than try to relate a beautiful sunset or funny movie, because i just get frustrated when the other person doesn't completely 'get it' or empathize. it feels like doing a mediocre job of relating my experiences serves to cheapen them, and i've never been able to acheive more than a mediocre translation (those who know me well know that my sense of humor skirts transliteration and story-telling in favor of puns and double-entendre; i've never had much luck with the old 'so a guy walks into a bar' jokes).
but for this deployment, i knew that i would need the support of peope close to me. and, as the value of your condolences at a funeral wax according to the intimacy of your relationship with the deceased, i wanted to intimate my friends with iraq in order to bring them closer to me in this stressful time. it may be a selfish thing to do- to innoculate myself against pain by spreading it, in a way- but the feeling of support i've received has been enriched ten-fold by the knowledge that it comes from hearts that are the wiser of the situation because of my words. and for dealing with me doing this, i thank you.
also, there aren't many troops here who would be willing to talk about iraq quite this openly, or have the time to write. i think that in lieu of a bona fide journalist, my accounts will have to serve as the story of dozens of airmen and soldiers who live this life, and who will have to keep living it long after i've gone home. i feel kind of spoiled for only staying here for a month and a half.
my arrival date in duluth remains unchanged by the uncertainties of my departure. i'll see you all soon.

camel spiders

hi there. not much going on today... it's my day off. yesterday, chad found a huge camel spider in his shirt sleeve after he'd put it on (five minutes after he put it on). we were in the van and he just jumped up and started slapping himself and trying to get his shirt off. when he shook it out, a camel spider with an abdomen bigger than a golf ball fell out. it was pretty funny, but i guess you had to be there. it was a female, so we joked about it laying eggs in his shirt. now you don't see him wearing it as often. i've still got a few days before i leave, but it's getting closer. i guess that attack the other day was worse than i knew (http://www.pigstye.net/iraq/article.php/20040618075821647). i feel terrible for the families of these soldiers. all these deaths are senseless, especially because they were probably just hanging out and trying to relax between missions. you just don't feel safe anywhere here. well, my time is up on this computer, so i'll talk to you all later.

Ultima Ratio Regum

'the last argument of kings'
this was inscribed on all of the cannons of louis XIV. the insurgents here are 'Ultima Ratio Regum' in one way, and i am 'Ultima Ratio Regum' in another way.
i wasn't going to publish this post, but i changed my mind. some things are too big to hold on to for long.

i got off of work at noon.
it was around 120 degrees, with no clouds in sight. i changed into my shorts as quickly as i could. i went to the gym, which is about a block away from my dorm. inside the gym, it was 90 degrees. i drank some water. i ran 4 miles. i did some sit-ups. i turned in my towel, and walked back to the dorm. the power went out. no air conditioning, no lights, no running water. my t-shirt was almost dry already. i took my book and went down the hall to the day room. i had to open the blinds to have enough light to read. i read a few pages.
in the distance, i heard an explosion. i thought it might be the explosive ordnance disposal guys setting off some old bombs. i looked down to my book. i heard another explosion. this explosion was close, maybe a quarter of a mile away. EOD explosions always go off in the same place. i closed my book- an attack meant i had to call in to my shop so they knew i was ok. what a pain in the neck. i reached the door of the day room. the floor rose under my feet- this explosion was close, way too close. i was running down the hall to my room in the dark. the alarm started wailing. people were shouting. i ran into my room. "get your gear on get your gear on get your gear on" i said. for half a second, i couldn't decide whether to put on my helmet or my vest first. i got my helmet out of my backpack, set it on my head. i ripped my vest out of my locker. the velcro wouldn't work. my hands wouldn't work. i couldn't breath. my room mate was frantic. i saw him put his vest on. the floor jumped under my feet. i couldn't hear over my heart beating. i got on the floor. i stood up. i sat on my bed. that sounded too close. they never come this close. the floor jumped again. the walls moved. i heard hard things hitting the roof. my knees were weak. i could hear myself breathing. i don't remember what people were saying. i sat on the floor. i was sweating. it was dim. the room smelled like sweat. my kidneys starting to hurt like i've never felt before. it felt like someone was taking a hammer to my back. i bent over, i straightened up, but it was persistent. i couldn't speak. in a few minutes it went away. i don't know if it was a muscle spasm or if it was all that adrenaline hitting my kidneys at once. i was worried that it was a kidney stone. that was not a good time for a kidney stone. it had been several minutes, and there had been no more explosions. i stood up unsteadily and went out into the hall to see if anyone was hurt. everyone else was in the hall, too. i stepped into the doorway and looked outside. everything looked normal. i talked with some people. i don't remember what we said. someone thought that the attack was over, and stepped outside our barricade into the road. "GET BACK INSIDE WE'RE STILL IN ALARM RED WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE" and we ran back to our rooms. we sat and waited. i was pretty much scared out of my mind. i thought i heard something on the giant voice outside, so i went to the front door. i heard another explosion, distant. "that's outgoing fire," someone said. another explosion, and another, getting closer. "i don't think our outgoing fire would get closer like that," i said. i went back to my room. a soldier came in and asked if there were any casualties. we were all ok. eventually we heard the alarm yellow- ok to go outside and look for unexploded bombs. behind my dorm was a group of soldiers looking at the ground. i could see chunks missing from the concrete barriers. they yelled at me to stay away. i went to the front of the dorm. a few dorms down, there was a crowd of people. i walked over. they were standing around a hole in the ground. the tail section of a large mortar was on the ground. the hole in the ground was 5 feet away from the barrier; it was 8 feet from the dorm itself. i took a few pictures. i walked back to my dorm. the soldiers were gone now; i walked to the hole, looking for pieces of the mortar. the hole in the ground was around 30 feet from my room. all up and down the cement barricades, chunks were missing. the crater was encircled by a tan bull's eye where the gravel was gone. i told the story of the attack over and over to people who were just arriving. i heard the stories about where the other mortars hit.
one landed in the community center by the gym, rec center, barber shop, and B/X. several injuries, one death. when it hit, aaron was getting his hair cut. he hit the floor as quickly as he could, in a pile of hair. kyle was leaning against a concrete barricade, talking to someone. when the round hit, he was pelted with gravel. he got down on the ground. chad and steve were outside the rec tent. when the round hit, steve looked back and chad was nowhere to be seen. it looks like we've got a new contender for the 100-meter dash.
at the third explosion, i could hear helicopters and f-16s taking off. when a mortar hits, it leaves a crater that can tell a trained eye a lot about where it came from. i have a lot of respect for the soldiers who were outside during the attack looking at the craters. they radio that info to their control center, and then it goes to our pilots. i don't know if we got the people who attacked us that day. they are getting too good at this for my comfort. with any luck, i'll be home in a few days. every explosion i hear sets my heart racing. i avoid open spaces. EOD sets off controlled detonations most days, without warning, a few hundred yards from my dorm. it's powerful enough to make my bed jump like a truck on a gravel road. a few days ago, the explosions didn't bother me- i had finally become accustomed to them. now i feel terror. there's no glory to be had in staying here a minute longer than i absolutely have to. all i want in the world is to be home again.
other than that, i'm fine. only a few more days to go before i'm on that plane home. i hope this isn't upsetting to anyone... although i can see how it might be. i just needed to tell someone. i can't expect anyone to understand how it feels to be here, but i intend to try. by the way, after the 25th or so, you'll need to write to my email at the 148th- benjamin.riordan@mndulu.ang.af.mil because qatar blocks my operamail website. at least, i think it does. better play it safe. i'll still get the email, just not until i get home. as always, i appreciate all the support you've shown during this difficult time. it does make a difference in my life. take care and keep in touch.

life during wartime

on a scale from 'chilly' to 'oh my god it's hot out', yesterday was right at 'holy crap is it hot out'. 120 degrees in the shade, or in my room when the power went out from noon to 7pm. yeah, i work at midnight, so... not a lot of sleep last night. on the positive side, i made it through an 'ohgodohgodohgod'-scale mortar attack. plus i got pieces of one of the mortars as a souvenir. i can't talk about the attack, but everyone from duluth is ok, i think. expect me to be jumpy when i get home, and don't take it personally. i guess i'll be leaving here the 22nd, but that might change. i'll still arrive home at the same time. you know, it's been a long time since i've been able to drink out of a glass (everything's bottled here). i've got some anxiety concerning my ability to eat and drink in front of people without making an ass of myself. i've been eating my food out of pouches and plastic plates for a month now... sometimes i get indigestion, and no matter what i ate it feels like i had canned chili. all of the commercials on armed forces network about depression are depressing. "do you ever feel like the world is out to get you? do you ever feel like the sun will never come out again? do you ever feel like you're stuck in a hot, dusty hell with frequent attacks?" why, yes bob, i believe i do. well, i should go. see you.

silly me

please disregard the previous post. since i wrote that, the plan has changed 3 or 4 times. now they say that we won't be leaving before the 21st. i'd better not write any more, since all of my information is unreliable.

qatar again

well, plans have changed. i'll be leaving here on the 17th (of june) to qatar. i'll wait there for the rest of the 148th, and then we'll leave as one group to the states. what does a guy do for 10 days alone in the middle of the desert? i'll probably sleep, read, and... sleep and read. no more MRE's, mortars, night shift... i'm so happy to leave this place that i can hardly sit still. i need to go start outprocessing and packing- talk to you later.

boom

hey everyone. not much going on here tonight- it's my day off, so i thought i'd write a little bit. i just got done working at the aeromedical clinic; it was a busy night. more legs than feet. at least they are receiving outstanding treatment. balad leads the world in cutting-edge combat medicine- many hospitals are researching the progress our surgeons are making here. in a few hours, the patients i loaded will be in germany.
we've had several attacks lately, so we're in a hightened defense posture; helmet and body armor 24/7, except when you're sleeping or something. hopefully this doesn't last long. i heard that we were going to stay like this until saddam's trial is over, but i didn't think that started for a month or two. it's pretty uncomfortable, but i guess if they say i need to wear it, i probably should.
the word on the street is that we'll be leaving here from the 24th to the 26th, and arrive at duluth sometime the 28th. of course, that might mean anything from 1am the 28th to 8pm the 29th, so please don't plan around that schedule. i might get to spend a day or two in qatar waiting for a flight, or i might not even get to put my bags down before i fly out of there.
i feel like i've been here for months. i know it hasn't been that long, but i'm pretty sick of iraq and everything involved with being here. the boredom is eating away at my brain, and i'm running out of books. i have trouble forming clear sentences. when the most exciting thing that has happened for a month is that you found a really big spider, life starts to look different. i should stop complaining.
my sickness keeps changing track- first it was the throat, then the lungs, then the fever, then the sinuses, then the gastrointestinal area.... it's easy to understand how entire armies have been lost to cholera and dysentery. living with 100 guys in a building with no air circulation and a lot of door knobs leads to this sort of thing. i'm feeling a little better, though. with any luck i'll be healthy when i return.
there's not much else to say, i guess. i'll talk to you later.

keep away from heat and dust

well, i haven't been writing much lately, but i have a good reason: nothing has happened. it's been really hot here, and after that dust storm my 'cold' intensified. right now my sinuses feel like they're full of concrete and sand. other than that, things are just fine. no attacks for a few days. i've become addicted to tiger woods golf on the xbox, which is eating into my spare time- but that's a good thing, because there's naught else to do except sit around and complain. and read, i guess. i played some combat mini golf the other day, and that made it clear that no matter how well i play on an xbox, my real game needs work (what? you didn't know that we had mini-golf? of course we do! get it? ha!).
um..... let's see. i found a big moth tonight. ah.... i got a haircut yesterday....
it's safe to say that i'm sick of iraq now. not in a fearful, frantic way, but in a really really bad vacation way. if i had work to do here, i might feel more enthusiastic, but so far my time here has been a waste of your money. sorry 'bout that. (now when was the last time the gov't apologized to you?)
i can't wait to get home. i'll admit that it will take a few days before i readjust completely, but i'll come around. on a happy note (for me), i start outprocessing on monday. i know i still have a few weeks to go, but it's a step in the right direction.
i can't think of anything else to write about, so i'll get back to work (right). take it easy.

dust storm

it's 0200am here, around 90 degrees. i went to the medical staging facility earlier to help load patients, but at midnight a dust storm rolled in. the visibility was so bad that we had to unload the patients back off the bus into the clinic. it looks like we won't be able to fly out until at least 0630am.
after being outside in this storm for an hour, my entire uniform is dusty and tan. my googles are tan, and my skin is tan, and my reflective belt is now tan. you can't see more than 10 feet in front of you. the dust is finer than talcum powder, and it smells like dirt. the wind gusts up to 40mph. the dust sticks to your sweat, so your face, hands, and lower back look like clay. i wear dust goggles (works great) and a t-shirt wrapped around my face and ears (doesn't work so great). i'm glad i didn't take a shower yet today. this isn't helping my head cold one bit.
it's my day off, and it looks like it's going to be more boring than usual- i don't know if i feel like walking anywhere i don't have to. right now i'm in the rec center in tent city. the "dj" is playing old will smith songs, and there are a bunch of australians here. it's all kind of surreal. no attacks today.

excitement, for once

well, i was out back looking for bugs and stuff, and i found a live 23mm cannon round. it was half-buried and rusty, so i didn't touch it. i kept on walking around the area looking for more, and then i went and told my boss about it. 10 minutes later, half the squadron was out there looking at it. people were standing right over it, for some reason... when explosive ordnance disposal showed up, we all had to evacuate 300 feet away and wait. i was hoping that they'd explode it right there on the ground, but they just threw it in their truck and drove off. i'm sure there are literally tons of unexploded ammo and mines out behind our shop. i'll keep my eyes open.
another day saved.

other people's secrets

i found this
http://photos1.blogger.com/img/296/2612/1024/killing.jpg

more secrets:
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

as you would expect, nothing new to report here.

i'm still here

i know i haven't been posting very often, but there's honestly not much going on.
i'm still sick, but i seem to be getting a little better- just a head cold, sore throat, fever.
it's about 1am here, and it's still 90 degrees. things are heating up.
no attacks yet today. the insurgents have been pretty active in the last few days, and we've taken quite a few hits this week. it seems like they always attack right when i want to go to bed. i have to get dressed and walk all the way to the rec center to call my shop for accountability after the 'all clear'. one of our guys got wounded the other day, but he was out of the hospital in a few hours. he was in a vehicle, and someone was standing behind him to help him back out. a mortar hit on the left side of the vehicle and wounded the driver, so the spotter ran to the right side of the vehicle. another mortar then hit near the right side of the vehicle. man, sometimes it just isn't your day. both guys are alright now.
when i was in qatar, a scottish guy named bill told me that life in balad was just like the movie 'groundhog day' (you know, with bill murray). boy was he right.

little things

i've been collecting a list of the little differences i've noticed about life in iraq.
-the 'don't litter' symbol on iraqi soda cans features a person in a robe throwing something away, instead of the little figure with pants on.
-due to the 10MPH speed limit, there are no dead bugs on any windshields or mirrors. the bugs just move out of the way.
-no kids anywhere. not one.
-armed forces network, the only tv and radio broadcaster here, doesn't use commercial advertisements. all the commercials are public service things, like 'don't gamble' and 'encourage brain development in your infant'. in a way it's nice, but sometimes i get sick of being treated like a 6-year-old.
-no one comes in to work hung over.
-oh yeah, the mortar attacks.